*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
oh you wanna fight?!
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?