looks legit
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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Not all heroes wear capes….
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
brian had himself a morning…
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
the clam before the storm