“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Brilliant!
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.