I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
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I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Help Wanted
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
When a shoelace touches your ankle
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.