I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
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Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.