On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
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Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
“$200 every 4 months”
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA