@LaceyNycole

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

- @LaceyNycole

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@TheBoydP

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

@green_eyed_doll

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

@RadioPatrick

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

@IDeclareClaire

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

@TitansHomer

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

@gm_cage

My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..

@notalogin

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

@Parkerlawyer

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”