Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
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The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.