I’M CRYINGGG
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My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
The options really are this bad
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey