Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
You Might Also Like
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
How animals would run if they were human
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.