Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
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[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.