looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
You Might Also Like
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes