*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
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How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
🤣😈🤣
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
good for her
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
the three best gummy flavors, together at last