Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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*Parents admiring their new baby*
She has her mother’s eyes!
And her father’s nose!
And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!
Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”
Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.