*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.