I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
At an art museum and I thought this was art
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.