@Sal0630

*looks under bed*

*checks closet*

*shuts light, runs to bed*

*pulls covers over head*

*ice maker dumps ice*

*dies from cardiac arrest*

You Might Also Like

@AGStr8upNinja

I don’t play mario kart with my brother anymore.

Because we are both in our 20’s & my mom is not there to split us up when we fight.

@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

@ChicksRule

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

@Browtweaten

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

@FatherWithTwins

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

@SteveKoehler22

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

@sandjoeman

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

@CheeseDaydreams

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant