I don’t play mario kart with my brother anymore.
Because we are both in our 20’s & my mom is not there to split us up when we fight.
*looks under bed*
*shuts light, runs to bed*
*pulls covers over head*
*ice maker dumps ice*
*dies from cardiac arrest*
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Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Doctor: You have emphysema
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.
He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant