*looks under bed*

*checks closet*

*shuts light, runs to bed*

*pulls covers over head*

*ice maker dumps ice*

*dies from cardiac arrest*

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I don’t play mario kart with my brother anymore.

Because we are both in our 20’s & my mom is not there to split us up when we fight.


Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming


Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no


Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations



Batman: *throws smoke bomb*


By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.


Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.


I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.


Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant