*looks up at lightbulb

‘Stupid moth’

*looks back at phone

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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.


Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”


Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!


10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.


We both want it.
My lips part.
His do, too.
The tension pulsates.

“I’ll take the one w/ sprinkles!”

And that’s how I got the last one.


No, No, people. It’s okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist.


I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around


The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.


Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.


[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”