Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
You Might Also Like
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
A great tip. #CakeRex
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.