@better_off_dad2

*looks up at lightbulb

‘Stupid moth’

*looks back at phone

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@peterjames48

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

@iamledgin

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

@_ElvishPresley_

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

@phalguy

10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.

@MartaEffing

We both want it.
My lips part.
His do, too.
The tension pulsates.

“I’ll take the one w/ sprinkles!”

And that’s how I got the last one.

@DepecheALAmode

No, No, people. It’s okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist.

@House_Feminist

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

@clyderun

The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.

@CYComedy

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

@Fred_Delicious

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”