wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
You Might Also Like
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
lmao
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?