Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
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Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices