*looks up from phone*

“Kids!! we’re leaving the playground in 22 percent.”

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Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts


My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.


Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too


Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?


*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract


i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”


genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why


A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.


I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.