[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
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I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.