[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
You Might Also Like
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails