*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
#Caturday
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.