[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
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18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*