WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad!
Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn’t say that!
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A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Wait – so Nutella isn’t Cinderella’s crazy sister?!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don’t ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.