@ruinedpicnic

Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad!
Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn’t say that!

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@TheAlexNevil

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

@Cheeseboy22

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

@TheBoydP

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

@better_off_dad2

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

@abasketofcraig

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

@bearcub577

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

@DallyDoll

Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don’t ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.

@LackOfShame

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.