ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
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[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster