Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
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I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Sing it!
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
It be like that sometimes 😆
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”