@mom_ontherocks

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

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@Book_Krazy

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

@boring_as_heck

Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?

@prufrockluvsong

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

@JeffSarcastic

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

@VisionBored1

I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”

@mommajessiec

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

@novicefather

I DO help with the laundry. My wife just doesn’t understand.

I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight.

@lovemydogduck

Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey