Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
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“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you