Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
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you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Meow
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125