Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
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DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
listen closely
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Good morning, Twitter 😊