Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
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I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys