Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.


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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.


Sometimes I’m surprised when a celebrity dies and sometimes I’m surprised they weren’t already dead.


When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.


Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.


Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…


John: Hey Jude…

Paul: Don’t make it bad

George: Take a sad song…

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between


When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment


I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.