Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.


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Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.


Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much


Olive Garden is appropriately named given that an olive garden is exactly where even Jesus was disappointed.


Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule


[Dating week 1]

Me: I’ll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha

[Dating week 4]

Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me


“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple


7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.


[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest


The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour