@AsgardianRose

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

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@krishna_van

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

@saroanco

Sometimes I’m surprised when a celebrity dies and sometimes I’m surprised they weren’t already dead.

@simoncholland

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

@squirrel74wkgn

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

@redpawn3

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

@SortaBad

John: Hey Jude…

Paul: Don’t make it bad

George: Take a sad song…

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between

@filloryqueenA

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

@NikiWithIssues

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.