Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
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For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
twitter is a journey
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?