Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
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doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Sign at work today
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers