@wittwitbarista

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

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@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

@vikkaroni

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

@HoldinCoffeeld

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

@Carbosly

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

@Lisacossey1

Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?

@shariv67

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

@trojansauce

[titanic]

SAILER: but captain there’s an ice berg right ahead

CAPTAIN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SHARK: i said straight ahead

@WolfpackAlan

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

@ArfMeasures

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.