Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
You Might Also Like
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.