#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
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HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Why font matters.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.