THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
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Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.