[loses house key, starts a new life]
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Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂