@WhaJoTalkinBout

[loses house key, starts a new life]

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@truegritrumble

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

@androszr

If you could choose between having a girlfriend and owning the new playstation what would be your first game?

@djdarrellripley

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

@einaregilsson

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

@Jeffwni

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

@SCBamaMan

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

@RxitWounds

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

@Bob_Janke

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”