@Darlainky

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

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@davidkenny100

I live on the edge

Her: cool

It’s scary

Her: So sexy

I almost fell once

Her: Oh! You actually live..

My home insurance is so expensive

@Gupton68

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

@Jake_Vig

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

@Ideal_Victoria

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

@suecorvette

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

@KarenKilgariff

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

@WigCannon

“Can I see your ID?”
Sure, it’s…
*lowers sunglasses*
*raises them*
*lowers them again*
“What are you doing?”
I don’t know.

@TheDeadfishSays

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

@bartandsoul

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster