*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
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My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
the three branches of government
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.