*loses you in a crowd*
finally
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
No. YOU-buprofen.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
How is it still this week?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
.. do you even science?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom