Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
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Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?