“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
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Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
A friend helps you before you need it
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two