Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
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Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Duck typos.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Breaking news:
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.