@chuuew
@Traceylei2
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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@Traceylei2
@FeelingEuphoric
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
@huntychan
@Darlainky
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
@clindsaysway
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
@fro_vo
MOM: sleep tight, donβt let the bedbugs bite π
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I canβt bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
@khook32
If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
@ReticentTurnip
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
@_GoldieLox
STOP PUTTING SIRENS IN MUSIC FOR PETE’S SAKE! I let my hair down & undid two buttons before i realized i wasn’t getting pulled over!
@unravelingfire
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.