@chuuew

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

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@Traceylei2

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

@Darlainky

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

@fro_vo

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite πŸ™‚
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

@khook32

If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.

@ReticentTurnip

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

@_GoldieLox

STOP PUTTING SIRENS IN MUSIC FOR PETE’S SAKE! I let my hair down & undid two buttons before i realized i wasn’t getting pulled over!

@unravelingfire

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.