What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
You Might Also Like
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*
Priest: the bride, sir
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
STOP PUTTING SIRENS IN MUSIC FOR PETE’S SAKE! I let my hair down & undid two buttons before i realized i wasn’t getting pulled over!
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.