@IndecisiveJones

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

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@KeetPotato

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

@KissabiX

“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.

@Playing_Dad

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

@TheTweetOfGod

I’ll never set a book in the ancient Roman Empire again. Ben Hur, done that.

@TylerLinkin

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

@alovablenerd

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

@jtswhipped

To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.

@rowdyforsheriff

I keep a Batman costume hanging in my closet in case I bring a girl home and she finds it

@InternetHippo

I don’t get movies where people switch bodies and they’re like “Ahh I gotta get my old body back” if I could ditch this decrepit nightmare I’d be like lol bye