@IndecisiveJones

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

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@LoveNLunchmeat

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

@NomDeBenoit

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

@ArfMeasures

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

@jazmasta

It’s spooky how many kids look like their owners.

@therepoguy

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

@mariana057

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

@dave_cactus

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

@CheryeDavis

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

@wickedsuga

DON’T TOUCH ME! AND YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT!

-wives, on their period

Or if they’re hungry.
Or if you are actually breathing wrong.

@DanielRosney

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.