lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything