[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
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This is my cat’s medicine.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
These work great until they don’t.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…