LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
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My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
oh my gosh!!
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
@funTweeters
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.