LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

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{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.


She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.


2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.


No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”


This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.


a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid


Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow