Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

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The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don’t wanna die


No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.


Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.


Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms


If a bear is chasing you, don’t run. Be very still and tweet about it because you’re about to die.


Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.


Chasing a Pringles can down a slope is the closest I’ve ever been to hunting my own food.