*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
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British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Note to self: I am a note
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE