[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
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Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out