@stevevsninjas

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

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@tastefactory

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

@iwearaonesie

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

@OhYeahILied

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

@DanMentos

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

@Jandalize

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

@deanjthompson

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

@_little_old_me

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

@EJGomez

[holding my aunts stupid idiot baby]
what sound does a cow make
“moo!”
good now a dog
“woof woof!”
2 for 2. now…WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE