Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
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At what age should you put the tonsils back in
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Happy Thanksgiving
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.