@IndigoCheese

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

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@PaperWash

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

@autocorrects

I don’t understand why some snacks are “fun-sized”, there’s really nothing “fun” about having a smaller portion of food.

@PrestoVision

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

@mahatmatweeter

That’s nice Julia that you lost your keys and posted it on FB. I’ve lost my mind and I post it on twitter.

@Bnowaygirl

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

@amazymay72x

*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.

@Spaziotwat

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

@obijawn

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

@ieatanddrink

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

@theroneman

Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.